Dear Me

{a letter to my pre-mommy self….advice for the journey that lies ahead}

Dear Me,

Believe it or not, over the course of the next three years you will become a mother to two four-year old boys, each from a unique and difficult past. You will spend countless nights singing nursery rhymes, reading Good Night Moon and witnessing the excruciating repercussions of institutionalization. You will spend countless nights holding children who do not want to be held and you will do everything in your power to stifle the self soothing behaviors that dominate your children’s nights. Your attempts will feel like they are in vain. You will witness children hoarding food and displaying signs of attachment disorders. It will scare the heck out of you. You will learn that some trauma cannot be undone and that healing is measured in years, not months. You will cry more tears than you ever thought possible. You will wonder if your children will ever learn to love you. You will fear that they won’t.

You will watch your children change and grow with awe, celebrating each milestone no matter how small. Eye contact, smiles and outstretched arms will become more valuable than gold as you navigate your way through the attachment dance. No act of affection will go unnoticed or uncelebrated. You will marvel at the resiliency of your children and in the silence of the night, you will grieve in a way too profound for words when you think about the years your children lived without you. Then you will grieve for the ones who gave your children life but are unable to watch them grow. It will change your life. You will never see the world the same again.

You will want to help every.single.child in need and you will not rest until you do. Your career will take a back seat as you learn what is truly worth pouring your life into. You will take on a new mission in life. Your children will show you how.

There will be so many hard times ahead. You will not always have the answers. You will find solace in those who have traveled similar paths, and they will become like family to you. Some of these people you will only know through blogs. Others you will have the privilege of doing life with.

Sometimes you will feel like a failure. Sometimes you will become so frustrated by never-ending meltdowns, constant sensory dysfunction, aggression and attachment regression that you will find yourself in a heaping pile on the floor. You will worry about the future and what that will look like for your precious children, especially the one with special needs. You will awake at 2 am wondering what in the world you are doing.

But it will be OK. It will be. You will manage to get through the tough times and you will find that the joys triumph over every sleepless night, over every hard day, over every fear. You will find yourself on your knees thanking God for bringing these two tiny miracles into your life. You will find out what real compassion is. You will become an expert in patience (or at least you will get many chances to practice.) You will become a warrior for your children. You will learn what IEP, SP and OT stand for. You will know your children better than any expert on the face of the planet. You will always know what is right for them.

The journey to your children will be excruciatingly painful. You will feel emotions that you never knew were possible. In the process, you will learn to take nothing for granted. And in all of this, you will learn that nothing brings you as much joy as being mommy to these two little boys. You will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams. You will stare at your sleeping children and wonder how you got so darn lucky. You will marvel at how precious life is. Oh, and your house will never, ever be clean again. I just thought you should know.

With love,
Your mommy self

[My pre-mommy self descending into Vietnam mere minutes before my first son was placed in my arms]

[The present happy mama]